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littlemoose: A photograph of a vivd blue swallowtail butterfly against an orange stucco wall (Default)
So, it's the start of the academic year once more, and what am I doing with my life this year?

Zip, nada, zilch, sweet fanny adams, the sum total of minus anything, an amount equal to the average polititan's IQ.

In other words, I'm not. I'm to spend my time on R&R aparently, getting better without any external stresses and pressures. Which is a pressure in itself, if I'm being honest... doing nothing has always felt like instability to me, I like there to be something... even it's something that I should be doing that I'm not actually doing at that precice moment but will be doing as soon as I'm able. Putting things off for a year renders everything strangely intangible. Tomorrow never comes and all that.

And I'm well aware that I wasn't doing a great deal last year either, but with something to strive for, it didn't all seem so stark, so concrete.

So, I'm now an offical convelecent, with a note from my doctor and everything. I guess I'm allowed to sit in the library during PE :-P

In other news:

Yes [livejournal.com profile] madscot, I am still reading my email, thanks for the headsup. *huggles lots* I think I owe you a suitably long and rambly email shortly :-)

[livejournal.com profile] penguingo, as you probably guessed I couldn't get back on... blasted freeserve. Enjoying night watch?

[livejournal.com profile] akhmed, I've not spoken properly to you in ages, there still room under the baobab? I can't think of a nicer place to convalece ;-) (except maybe the bahamas... with a certain large-foreheaded geordie on the sunlounger next to me... *happysigh*)
littlemoose: A photograph of a vivd blue swallowtail butterfly against an orange stucco wall (Default)
Agh. My Mum's eldest sister (and at 59, me mum's the baby but one of the family...) and her husband have decended on us for a visit.

Cue endless interminable discussions about who's dead, and long tracts of explaining who our neightbours are via the last 50 or so generations of their families, who each family member married and where their spouses came from and who they were related to.

Despite the fact that this is the same converation had EVERY BLOODY TIME they come over.

I've escaped under pretense for a few moments of sanity. The final straw was having to explain (at VERY loud volume because Aunt Kate, as she constantly reminds everyone, is a bit deaf) exactly why I'm not working, or at college. I always feel like I'm under a microscope with this lot anyway, it seems mum's side of the family regard me as a bit of a black sheep, since I show no inclination to get married, and (and this is the bad part, hang on tight,) DO NOT GO TO MASS. Mum hasn't mentioned that I'm an athiest... (or the last person I brought home was a girlfriend, not a boyfriend...)

It was horrible. I was squirming like a fish on a hook, and mum DID try to bail me out a few times and change the subject, but it didn't work. Uncle Paddy's like a dog with a bone when an idea gets into his head. They made it seem like I was just making excuses for being lazy. Then when Uncle Paddy DID get the point, he went on at length about just getting on with it an not giving up (first sensible thing he said today...)

Gah. Families.

Anyway, time to head back into the melee...
littlemoose: A photograph of a vivd blue swallowtail butterfly against an orange stucco wall (Default)
living in this brain... sometimes the thoughts I have scare me... tonight, it all came crashing down, and I thought about things that hadn't crossed my mind for five years or more...

But they were just thoughts. So that's ok.

Pain scares me.

I cried... and mum held me. It was like being little again and everything was going to be ok because I wasn't alone anymore. But it isn't and it won't be.

Mum wants me to see a shrink again. I hope piglet will forgive me for saying this, but I hate them all, every last one I got dragged to as a kid... there's one... thought I was just attention seeking. He tried to scare me into going back to school... told me if I didn't they'd take me away, put me in a hospital/school place, and I'd not see my parents. I was 12. I had nightmares about him for so long. I don't usually hate, and I detest violence, despite the persona I have at MST, but if I ever see him again, I will do him real damage.

Everything's fresh again. I really detest that. Old bones. Sun bleached... the incongrous skeleton in the sanddune.

That's my nights, and it's getting hard again. All the old thoughts are back... so many years of fear and upset.

Mum was really nice. There's a good guage for how bad things are.

I'm scared.
littlemoose: A photograph of a vivd blue swallowtail butterfly against an orange stucco wall (Default)
Ug... the frozen landscape outside my window has thawed a bit, but we've gone from ice to unending rain. Hardly inspiring. More pressure to pick myself up and get back to college, may lose my grant if I don't and coz things are so bad atm... gad, mum's really pushing...

I am feeling sorry for myself. It's not healthy, but just now, I don't care. On top of that Lyds is telling me... at great length... how happy she is with new man. *sigh* I feel even more single. She just cannot help herself... feh.

I'm not bitter... honest. ;)

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littlemoose: A photograph of a vivd blue swallowtail butterfly against an orange stucco wall (Default)
littlemoose

December 2011

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