littlemoose: A photograph of a vivd blue swallowtail butterfly against an orange stucco wall (TG - Clarkson: I HAVE KILLED BEFORE!)
OWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Worst cramps in ages. I'd put my fist through something if I could only uncurl from this whimpering ball long enough to do so. Bloody HELL, why is it when they're really bad they go the whole way down my fecking legs?!
littlemoose: A photograph of a vivd blue swallowtail butterfly against an orange stucco wall (spork)
Intense irrational anger, and no idea why. And I'm sitting here not even doing anything or with anyone, so nothing's annoyed me... ugh I hate my brain chemistry sometimes.
littlemoose: A photograph of a vivd blue swallowtail butterfly against an orange stucco wall (pink glee)
\o/

They've gone, the builders have gone! After destroying our walls, our carpets, our ceilings, our sanities, a laundry basket, a packet of breakfast cereal, my bookcase, a bar of Lush Rockstar soap (you'd've thought such conspicuously manly blokes would have avoided the pink, sweet smelling soap in favour of the inoffensive bar of imperial leather Dad favours, but no, we found it lying in the sink, broken in half, diminished in size by two thirds and covered in so much plaster what was left was irretrievable), three coat-hooks, two floorboards, two towels, two lightbulbs, one toothbrush, the entire back yard and a bottle of TCP, they've finally gone.

The work varies in quality from 'surprisingly decent' to 'typical Housing Exec' and has led mum to enquire on a timescale for me getting published so I can actually buy us a house *g*

Anyway, they've gone, and that's all that matters, and I feel like celebrating...

Celebration under here... )
littlemoose: A photograph of a vivd blue swallowtail butterfly against an orange stucco wall (Default)
Forgive my sporadic posting, I've come down with a rather nasty bad throat, and I've been trying to take part in the TGS birthday drabblethon (I've posted 10, which was my personal goal :D)

I'm not really one for New Years, but happy one if you're celebrating!

Me... I'm just hoping the ITV website's showing the Take That show tonight, since UTV are being evil and showing That Bastard Gerry Kelly instead...
littlemoose: A photograph of a vivd blue swallowtail butterfly against an orange stucco wall (TG - Africa: Blood Moon)
I am falling a little behind with the wordcount. I am not, however despondent, and am of the mindset that 200 words is better than none. Look, a whole new me!

The reason - my wisdom teeth are pushing again. My goodness, but the pain! It actually hurts to open my mouth!

*curls into a little ball and dreams of James*
littlemoose: A photograph of a vivd blue swallowtail butterfly against an orange stucco wall (Default)
...because I'm very odd about asking for things, but if you read this, could you spare a minute or two to distract me? A goofy link, a silly picture, a comment!drabble - whatever you fancy... I just really need something else to occupy my mind for half an hour.

Thanks guys.
littlemoose: A photograph of a vivd blue swallowtail butterfly against an orange stucco wall (Gromit - Ohcrap.)
I realise this is not really the kind of thing with which I should be clogging up your f-lists, but... I. Am. So. Bloody. Bored!

And what is worse is that my block seems to be back with a vengeance. I don't appear to have ability or inclination to write atm.

Le sigh.

mishmash

Dec. 19th, 2006 08:22 pm
littlemoose: A photograph of a vivd blue swallowtail butterfly against an orange stucco wall (Default)
I have a little something for all the people on my f-list (and by god there are a lot of you!) who are paid up members of the Barrowman Appreciation Society. Enjoy!

I have a first line here (one I really like, too) that wants to be something more, but nothing to go with it. I hate when that happens.

This time next week Christmas will be over. It's scary how fast this year has gone in. I'm feeling left behind again. I'm SO not where I hoped I'd be.

Writers Group dinner tomorrow night... I don't even know if I can face it... if my shoulder keeps on like it is now, I may just give it a miss.

Feh, I need to pull my bloody socks up and stop whinging. *Goes off to watch S4 TG eps*
littlemoose: A photograph of a vivd blue swallowtail butterfly against an orange stucco wall (9/Jack animated (credit: __kali__))
The little chav fuckers in this village started letting off fireworks at regular minute intervals at about noon today. AND HAVEN'T STOPPED SINCE. I have got such a headache.

Still, Captain Jack sexes the entire universe in just over an hour... so that's nice.
littlemoose: A photograph of a vivd blue swallowtail butterfly against an orange stucco wall (*headTARDIS*! (credit: kataclysmic))
Was out shopping with mum and dad today. Felt overcrowded by too many people for the first time in ages (I always get knocked over at least twice while out shopping. What is it about me that makes people knock me over? Is it the dumpiness? The lack of height? The fact I look 12?) and had a panic attack in a shoe shop. Came home, wrote 100 words, got pissed off, had a bath, calmed down, decided to go to bed (I'm ahead-ish, I'll make up the words tomorrow, I have a DRAMATIC MOMENT ahead, omg!). Just as I did, dysfunctional family next door decide 12am is a good time to have a knock em down drag em out row in the back yard. The screaming has just stopped. For now.

Ugh.
littlemoose: A photograph of a vivd blue swallowtail butterfly against an orange stucco wall (spork)
The teacher we have at writers' group this term is just... awful. She saps any creativity I had, and I come home every week feeling homicidal. And I had hoped to work on nano after class, having done quite well earlier - 723 - but I just can't concentrate, I STILL feel like injuring someone and my headache is back. Ugh, bloody awful woman!
littlemoose: A photograph of a vivd blue swallowtail butterfly against an orange stucco wall (Paul Headdesk (credit: alicamel))
Mph. Can't shake this headache. Wrote nothing yesterday and only 312 words today... And the Lush site is having technical issues so I can't order my bath goodies, and the soap I bought in September is running out :(

*whinge whinge*

Oh, it's not all that bad, it's just that headaches make me cranky. I think the bad weather is what's causing this one - the pressure, you know? Serious stormage here now, so I'm hoping when that breaks, my headache will ease. One can hope.

Still, The Daily Show and Broken News are on tonight, so there's something to smile about :)
littlemoose: A photograph of a vivd blue swallowtail butterfly against an orange stucco wall (kermit [credit: sdwolfpup])
Cemetery Sunday again. You all know my feelings on the subject.

I had rather hoped I'd be able to sleep through the whole sorry debacle, but the world at large has other ideas, damn it. I think I shall make a swift retreat upstairs when Aunt Mary and Uncle Seamus arrive. The sad part is, mum seems to have finally accepted that they're the only ones who come. There is much less food this year - same amount of cleaning though.

Meh.
littlemoose: A photograph of a vivd blue swallowtail butterfly against an orange stucco wall (Ant - WTF?!)
Spent the evening at a talk given by a literary agent on how to get published - very depressing; she's of the 'chick-lit, al-queda spy plots or jackie collins stuff only' school, nothing else has any saleability or merit. It made my blood boil to hear her lump all sci-fi/fantasy/non-formula writing together as 'unicorns and spaceships'. That's unicorns for the women and spaceships for the lads as well, folks, just to really put the boot in.

She also said having one of your characters on the brink of a homosexual affair was 'contraversial' and 'a great way to get international sales' (along with nudity, full-on sex scenes, bad language and violence, which are also good if you want film or TV rights, aparently) - It was at that point I wished I had some really fluffy, sappy slash to hit her with, and may she choke on it, silly cow.

So yeah, not impressed.
littlemoose: A photograph of a vivd blue swallowtail butterfly against an orange stucco wall (pleasantville - rose)
I feel a little lost sometimes. It's not a fleeting thing, either. It lasts for days. Right now, all I want to do is sleep, but I've slept so much I'm almost too awake, too lucid. It's too easy to think and thinking undoes me. There's a clamour in my head - one third thought, one third memory, one third fear. I want to write, to escape to that one place where everything falls as I plan but my mind is a grasshopper and won't sit long enough to create anything but frustration.

Kate time tomorrow - Monday morning ritual; out at ten to our favourite cafe, two cups of coffee or chocolate, or whatever, then lunch - a sandwich, a salad, good conversation, then she drops me here and scoots off to her lecture.

Left behind again.

And I'm feeling sorry for myself... drips of hurt and remembered hurt and loneliness. Emails I don't want from someone I need to forget. It's a strain to ignore, but I'm doing it.

And sod it, it's late, and I'm too awake and too sorry for myself, if I carry on like this you can just pin me on the LJ cliché board and be justified in laughing. I'll go read instead.
littlemoose: A photograph of a vivd blue swallowtail butterfly against an orange stucco wall (Dec - hunh?)
Melanie visit today. I'm beginning to get really disillusioned with these. She talks and talks and talks and goes over the same old things. And each thing has to be repeated at least six times per visit. Maybe she's used to people falling asleep on her? This time, despite what head shrink has been saying about my good progress, she got a bee in her bonnet about me going back onto the full does of meds again. The fuck?! No matter what I said, or where the conversation went, it got turned into another example of why I should maybe consider going back up a dose. And she went on and on about me going out more on my own on the bus. Now, it's not as difficult as it was, and I would actually love the chance to go more, but I cannot afford it. The local shite bus company has the village in a choke hold, as they're the only buses around, and can charge whatever they like, and they do! And sod discounts for the unemployed, since if you're living in the village and have any sort of job at all then a car is the first thing you buy, so the only people who use the bus are the unemployed and pensioners. If I were to go into town once every day for a week (six days - the buses don't run on a Sunday) then it would cost me £30. Five pounds a day, £2.50 each way, can you believe that?!

I have to tell Melanie this every fucking time. God... I know they have to see a lot of people, but have they never heard of taking notes?!

And today she told me they're going to start phasing out the Jaqui trips... so I don't get dependant on her - fair enough, but then Melanie told me I'd already had twice as long at those as most people 'but don't feel bad, or feel you were worse than anyone else, you just needed it'. Did I need to know that? I'm going to feel bad anyway, no matter what you say.

God... I just want to tell them all to fuck off.
littlemoose: A photograph of a vivd blue swallowtail butterfly against an orange stucco wall (Default)
I. Can't. Fucking. Sleep. Again.

Someone, somewhere, is having a good old laugh right about now.

Incoherent insomiac-type brain-clearing post )
littlemoose: A photograph of a vivd blue swallowtail butterfly against an orange stucco wall (Default)
What a day.

My appointment was at four. So at five to four I present myself at outpatients reception, same as usual... just for the befuddled receptionist to inform me that Head Honcho doesn't have a surgery in the hospital on Tuesdays, I should be in the psychiatric unit. She gave me long convoluted directions that took me past the morgue only for me to wind up in the psychiatric ward. Not the nicest place in the world to be when you're feeling fragile. There was no-one there - doctor wise - so I made my way back out to the cafe, collected dad and set him on the receptionist. Oh, no you're actually supposed to be at the mental health centre a mile back out the road, (even though the letter said HOSPITAL) so sorry! So off we trot... to get there and find that the hospital, who said they'd let them know we were coming, didn't, and Head Honcho had gone to the psychiatric unit... back at the hospital! So we went back to the hospital, and, after discovering that I couldn't have got though to this part of the hospital from inside anyway as the inner doors are kept locked (reassuring... not.), found him... and he increased my dosage by half a tablet daily.

Life is wonderful.

On the plus side, I was very decadent, bought two macroons, and two issues of this weeks radio times (one Ant cover, one Dec cover...) yes, I know, very sad! I'll read the Dec cover and keep the Ant one ;-)
littlemoose: A photograph of a vivd blue swallowtail butterfly against an orange stucco wall (Default)
Melanie the occupational therapist was here today... unscheduled visit, more about that in a mo. We went through some more of her factsheets, and made plans for her to take me into town in a fortnight as a kind of halfway step to going in by myself.

After she went mum cornered me, wanting to know if she'd talked to me about the whole long term 'where is this therapy taking me' thing. No, was the short answer. Boy was mum pissed off... you see Melanie was here early because mum phoned her a couple of days ago to tell her that I was down and depressed about the whole thing, Melanie only arranged the visit yesterday. I'd told mum as much when I got a little down about it a few weeks ago. Before I would have been pissed off about her going behind my back, but I understand that she wants to help, and I appriciate it. I guess what worried me a little is that their whole priority seems to be getting me out and about, and little else. Melanie said to mum, that dealing with that was the final thing, the whole end piece, and she'd have a word with me today about what the whole thing entails.

She didn't. It took mum to tell me why she was even here in the first place.

I'm always left feeling a bit breathless by her visits, if I'm being honest. It's not that they're fast, she's usually here for about an hour... it's just that she sits and tells me all this stuff, and gives me all these handouts... and a lot of it I already know, but I'm damned if I can even get a word in to say as much...

And I'd just like to know what filling in all these worksheets and survey type things is going to do for me. It's not as if she's getting information, it's all 'for your own use, I'll just leave it with you and let you look over it in your own time'.

Mind, if it gets me out and about on my own without having a major panic attack, I'll not mind... it's just that that isn't all that's going on in my life... and I'm not even sure about the rest of it... oh I dunno, maybe I'm expecting too much.

AAAARGH!

Nov. 8th, 2003 11:49 am
littlemoose: A photograph of a vivd blue swallowtail butterfly against an orange stucco wall (Default)
This post is only likely to make sense in Belgium, Brum and Scotland

Rant )

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littlemoose: A photograph of a vivd blue swallowtail butterfly against an orange stucco wall (Default)
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